In that vein, why not invite the couple over and get to know Justin yourself? I don’t know whether he’ll turn out to be a catch or a cad, but at least he’ll know the kind of mama bear he’s dealing with.ĭo you agree or disagree with my advice? Let me know in the comments section below.Good-looking men are nearly always alluring. Use this new situation as a way to deepen your relationship with your son.
With your husband (and Tim’s father) gone only three years, I can only imagine you’re both still grieving. Perhaps you’ll find some comfort in his answers. It’s fine to explain that you don’t understand the relationship and even that it worries you. Try not to judge or psychoanalyze him - that means don’t mention your theory about a father figure. If you approach it like a mama bear trying to save her cub, you risk pushing him further into his boyfriend’s arms. Have a talk with Tim, adult to adult (and he is an adult, even if he’s still your baby). He trusts you - and I’d suggest you follow his example. Second, appreciate that your son has come out to you and is not having a clandestine relationship. So, what’s a good-hearted but freaked-out mother to do? First, please drop the sharp tone and accusatory remarks, especially that you think Justin is a “predator.” That’s a very loaded term, as Kenny Levine, a psychotherapist who works with LGBT individuals, told me: “I think we need to reserve this word for individuals that engage in sexual behavior with someone who cannot give consent to sexual activity.” Bachardy was 18 when he met Isherwood they remained together for 33 years, until the novelist’s death. Then there’s the late novelist Christopher Isherwood and painter Don Bachardy, who had three decades between them. Armistead Maupin (“Tales of the City”) is 27 years older than his husband Ellen DeGeneres has 15 years on her wife. Common interests are the new demographic - not age.” I’m not exactly sure how “common” such dating is, but I’m familiar with many same-sex couples with significant age differences. Meanwhile, Carl Sandler, who runs Age Appropriate, a blog about intergenerational dating, told me: “In the gay community, it is very common for younger and older men to date. You fall in love with who that person is, not their age.” Wrote Joseph: “To me, age is only a number. “Joseph” met his husband, who’s 14 years his senior, when the younger man was 21 they’ve now been together for 27 years. One gay man spoke for many when he posted: “I find middle-aged men who date teens of either gender to be emotionally stunted and chock-full of control issues.” Others volunteered their personal stories, often with happy endings. Many agreed with you and found your son’s relationship objectionable. I took your question to my Facebook page, where reactions were pretty much equally divided. An older partner isn’t by definition a parent substitute. Like me, you may consider some of these pairings weird or even creepy, but I’d venture that in each situation, the “junior” partner no doubt found something she needed in the “senior” - wealth, status, experience, stability (and vice versa). If nothing else, this list makes clear that one answer doesn’t fit all and that this isn’t a same-sex issue. (Cleveland had been friends with Folsom’s father, who had been killed when she was only 10 - talk about a father figure!) Of course, no such list could leave off Donald Trump and his current wife, Melania, 24 years his junior. Even the White House witnessed an intergenerational first family: President Grover Cleveland was 49 when he married Frances Folsom, then 21. Some that quickly come to mind: Alec Baldwin is 26 years older than his wife. I completely understand your angst about this - who would want her son in the arms of a “predator”? Still, before you label Justin this way, I’d ask you to consider a few “May/December” opposite-sex couples. Should I keep quiet and pray it ends soon or speak up? Tim starts college this fall, and I am hoping he’ll find a more appropriate boyfriend there. What could a 40-year-old man have in common with a teenager? I think he’s a predator. They met last year when Tim was still in high school! My husband, Tim’s father, died three years ago, and I think Tim is looking for a father figure. I have no problem with that, but he also announced he’s seeing a man who’s 20 years his senior. Civilities is a new column in The Washington Post covering LGBT and straight etiquette.ĭear Civilities: My 19-year-old son (I’ll call him “Tim”) just came out to me.